150 million bucks...and all i have to do is what?

So, checked my email this morning and found one of those "My client in Somalia needs you to invest 456 gabajillion dollars on his behalf" emails.

It's from Barrister Paul "Paulie" (I like to call him Paulie) Graham and it reads:

Barrister Paul Graham
Law Practice UK
Glasgow
Scotland


Hello,

Pardon my invading your privacy. I am Barrister Paul Graham (Managing Partner) Barrister, advocate, Solicitor of LLP Law Practice UK, located in Glasgow Scotland. Born January 2, 1960; admitted, 1984. Education: LL.B, Phd. 1979. Practice Areas: Business Law Company; Commercial; Employment; Family Law; Intellectual Property; Real Estate; Wills, Trusts and Tax. I have a legitimate business offer for you. I want to know if you will like to help my client invest in your country and get rewarded financially without leaving or neccessarily affecting your present job.

I represent Mrs. Ljiljana Zelen Karadzic, wife of Radovan Karadzic, former Serbian leader, who has just been extradited to face genocide and war crime charges in the Hague, the Netherlands, herein after shall be referred to as my client and it is on her instruction that I am doing all that I am doing now. She is looking for a foreign individual or a corporate body that can profitably invest $150,000,000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Million US Dollars) on Real Estates outside Serbia.

Most importantly, you will be required to invest these funds on real estates preferably in your country of residence outside of Serbia. Mrs. Ljiljana Zelen Karadzic, herein after shall be referred to as my client, is willing to reward you with 30% for your partnership role. Trust me; this is once in a life time opportunity and I bet you can't afford to miss this. The said funds,$150,000,000{One Hundred and Fifty Million USD} is presently kept in a safe vault in a Private Finance Company in Serbia, and needs to be re-profiled for immediate transfer. Hence you will be expected to liase with the finance company as regard the release of the funds to you and subsequently invest in Real Estate and Property for her in your country on her behalf.

If you prefer to be re-contacted for more express information, Write back promptly at: paulgrahamllp@hush.ai At the receipt of your interest to partner this project with me and my client, I will send you a detail email as regards the procedures to be followed to achieve this objective.

I am looking forward to your reply correspondence as my response with more information on this profiting offer will be swift back to you.

Sincerely,

Barrister Paul Graham
LLP Law Practice UK
Glasgow
Scotland

Well holy cow. 150 million US DOLLARS? I decided to write back...I mean, the real estate market has been iffy this year...I thought it best to give him a few better suggestions. And the fact that he was only 19 when he got his PhD? Man, this guy must be a genius! I mean, really. Eat it Doogie Howser!

Here is my reply. (I can't wait until he writes me back so we can get this ball rolling!) :

Dearest Barrister Paul Graham:

I am so happy that you contacted me! January 2nd was your birthday, eh? Well happy freakin' belated birthday my man! I should buy you a beer next time I'm in Glasgow! You know, hang at the pub, meet some sexy kittens, have a real swingin' time! But I'm digressing. I mean, this is serious business.

So your client, Ljiljana, needs my help, is that right? Well, let me give her my first piece of advice: nobody needs 2 useless "J"s in the spelling of her name. No, hear me out for a minute. I mean, look, it's obvious her name is pronounced "Lilliana" so why go through the hassle of inserting useless consonants? For christ sakes, her hubby's on trial for freakin' genocide. I'm sure the last thing she really wants to deal with are jerkwads mispronouncing her name. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?!

I'm right.

As for her wanting to invest in "Real Estates" outside of Serbia, Look Paulie (can I call you Paulie? Great). So look, Paulie, I'm going to be frank with you here...the real estate market in the states these days? Not so good my friend. I mean, I could take that money and buy a few trailer parks, maybe a nice crack house or two, but I'm telling you...the return on your investments (which herein after shall be referred to as ROI) is gonna be for shit. No really.

So allow me to make a suggestion or two.

Suggestion 1: Invest in meats on sticks. Hear me out, Paulie. I mean, you're probably saying, "Is this American woman crazy?!" But look, we crazy Americans love to eat meats on sticks. It's portable, affordable, and just damn cool. Could you imagine what 150 million dollars could do for the meat on a stick industry??? Foot-long corn dogs??? Think out of the box, Paulie! How about Yard-stick corn dogs! On ACTUAL YARDSTICKS! Christ, I'm drooling already! And your ROI? Ho-ly shit. People pay at least 3 bucks for a nice kabob these days. A yard-stick of meat? Our out-of-pocket might be----MIGHT BE---4 or 5 bucks. We charge a flat $12 per stick and these people could feed the whole family---twice. And then, when they're done, they could measure things. I am actually blowing my own mind right now, Paulie. Hoo-wee, you have contacted the right girl.

Suggestion 2: Squirrel Farming. We set up custom traps, and our squirrels are basically free. Take them back to the ranch and it's all the squirrel milk you could ever want. And squirrel milk is projected to be a hot commodity in the next 2 to 3 years.

Suggestion 3: Beta Max video tapes. VHS has nothing on Beta. Trust me.

Suggestion 4: Clowns. Need I say more, Paulie? Eh? EH?! Christ, the transportation costs ALONE would be so cheap. I mean, one Smart Car for every 45 clowns? Brilliantly ridiculous.

So those are my suggestions to Lejiliajjajjanijaji about investing that stack of cash she's got stored in a vault. Which, by the way, can I just say, is not a good idea? She'd be much better off cataloging shoe boxes or re-stuffing her mattress with those bones. Vaults are highly overrated.

I really want you to be "swift back to" me on my ideas. Let me know if they work for you so we can work together on this matter.

Also, "neccessarily" is only spelled with one "C", my man: necessarily. You should talk to your college or University or mail-order degree program about that. They really did you wrong.

Thanks Paulie Graham Cracker! I look forward to more details!!!

Sincerely,

Swanky B. Parsnips