underconfident.

So, since I've started my improv classes, I've felt a lot more confident about myself. However, for some reason, over these past two weeks or so, I've felt like the most awkward, unfunny, overweight, aging pile of doo-doo on the planet.

Odd thing is, I don't really know why. Part of me wants to blame the weather. I mean, seriously, could spring just get here already? For real.

But part of me thinks that I'm being too critical of myself. To self-aware for my own good. I know that when I don't give a toot about what other people think, I end up having a much better time, whether I'm out doing some karaoke, or grocery shopping.

It's when I pull apart everything I do or say in terms of how I imagine others are interpreting those things, that I start to feel unfunny or unlikable.

I just wish there could be a 70 degree day, sun shining, people out walking, where I could feel a little taste of spring to get me out of this funk.

I also need to buckle down and eat right like I've promised myself. Perhaps if I stop making the goal to "be skinny" and make the goal to "be healthy" I'll have more success.

Who knows.

sunday, sunday, sunday

So, I'm in one of those moods where I just don't know what to do with myself. All weekend it's been like this. I cleaned a little, took a bubble bath, created a new station on Pandora that I adore. Watched a movie. But I feel restless. I think it's because I desperately want spring to get here.

Not just because of the warm weather, but I'll also be quitting smoking. Most people don't look forward to this, but I kind of am. My hair and clothes will smell prettier, I won't wake up feeling like I slept face down in a chimney all night. And, unless I've already done too much damage, I'll be able to sing without getting scratchy or losing lung capacity.

To ensure that I don't break my rule and smoke within the first 3 weeks of my quit date, I'm scheduling a wisdom tooth extraction. (Not for this purpose alone, of course. It needs to be pulled. Fucking extra teeth that nobody needs...) Can't smoke for 2 weeks after an extraction, so I figured it was perfect timing.

That and I more scared about getting the tooth pulled than completely altering a lifestyle I've known since I was 17 (on and off).

So, in the weeks after March 20th, you may notice that I'm cranky...and that I have gauze in my mouth...

...juts try to ignore it. It'll all be worth it later on. :)

Was going to rant about how old I'm feeling lately...but after typing it out, I realized that I'm an idiot.

nostalgia

I took this picture 3 years ago in Green Bay, Wisconsin on a road trip with Angela. I could go into all the gory details, but I won't. In short, it was quite the "break out of the mold and find yourself" summer.

I was 24, single for the first time in a long time, and I was pretty darned fearless actually.

I was also really skinny...but I digress.

I guess I'm just feeling a little nostalgic as of late. I think it's because I'm still adjusting to things in my life. I'm also coming up on 28, which still seems weird to me.

Sometimes I feel much older. Sometimes I feel much younger. But usually, I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like at 28. Does that even make sense? I guess it's a matter of coming to grips with the way you imagined your life, and the way it's actually turned out.

And actually? I wouldn't change a thing.