First:
My First Cute Puzzle. In the same line as "My First Happy Puzzle," "My First Sad Puzzle," "My First Ugly Puzzle," and "My First Trauma-Inducing, Will Require Therapy Later in Life," puzzles.
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This clown is scary as hell. But take an even closer look (if you can stand it)...
"Sleep Happy?" Are you F*@$ing kidding me? There's no sleeping period as I lie awake in bed, worrying that this evil MFer will come and eat my face.
And I'm an adult.
I can't imagine a child taking comfort knowing that freakin' Pennywise is watching him from the outlet by the closet...
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This one about gave me a star-attack...
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Now, I don't even really know what this thing is. Some sort of spinning musical light. Woo hoo.
The real fun lies in the the fantabulous packaging. Let's take a closer look...shall we?
It says:
"Magical Light. Design for the children.
Best quality for your selection.
Welcome to choose our product."
Me: Um...Thank you?
32 Grow the music! Alright!
Um...I'm assuming that this is a unisex toy? Either that, or it could cause seizures AND make you question your sexuality.
Forbidden finger? Moving parts gap? Uh.....I'm confused. Maybe if I look at the more detailed warning section...
This didn't help me AT ALL.
Where's a damn custodian when I need one?
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Ah yes...a construction action figure playset! Woot! Hey, wait? Is that a sticker that says "2" Action Figures? Why yes it is...because if you peel up the sticker you'll find that apparently there used to be 4.
Damn lay-offs...
Is it just me, or do these construction workers look like rejects from Village People auditions?
And apparently, they're made out of cheese...
But what else is in this playset?
Surely something awesometastic to make all of my construction daydreams come true...
Hammer...Check!
Jackhammer...(Freaking cool) and Check!
Wheelbarrow...Check!
Hey...wait a minute. What the...
An axe? Really? For what?
Oh..a malfunction.
It all makes perfect sense now.
Wait...malfunction? Arg...what's "malfunctioning?"
Um...the malfunctioning culprit is either a rock...
or a giant turd.
Neither of which explain the need for an axe...the wheelbarrow, yes.
But definitely not the axe.
What else?
A flag. Nice. But, where the hell is it from?
Holy sh*t on a shingle. What the hell is this?
"Warning: Firefighter!"
Is he trapped in there?!
Use the jackhammer to get him outta there!
Wait...this explains the axe...
Are these guys construction workers, or serial killers?!
Or perhaps they're part of a militia?
Camo green sand bags...
...barbed-wire trench fence?
Hey wait a minute...
"Press Show of Orientation Go"
Great advertising. Really. This sign is so DIS-orienting that you need to visit the all-powerful Press Show of Orientation to get your head on straight again.
It does beg the question however: What the hell does a press show have to do with a malfunctioning turd and the Village People militia?
And also, what did that poor firefighter do to end up in a barrel over all this?
I know:
Code of flammable stifle the forbidden finger to violate the custodian. (In other words, they probably failed the fire safety inspection.)
Really, though...what can I say? I mean, especially when you put it all together:
It's the 4 -- whoops, I mean 2 action figure Construction/Village People/Waste Removal/Serial Killer/Militia Set.
Wow.
The lesson: I'd be less worried about lead poisoning and more concerned about the mental trauma caused by this CF of a playset...
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Proof that our children are growing up too fast:
A newborn with a cell phone? Really? Why?
Ohhhhhhh....yeah. That makes complete sense now...
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And finally, something I didn't intend to buy, but had to because the store owner was staring at me too much for me to simply snap a picture. (Plus, it was only a buck...so why not.):
Sweet Love Douche. Sweet freaking Love? Really? Are you kidding me?
Sheesh.
Well, at least it's "Complete." Wouldn't want some cheap, incomplete douche, now would we?
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Ah, the joys of the Dollar Store. I tell ya, this stuff just doesn't get old.
If you happen to have any dollar store finds, email them to me: tsvitko@gmail.com
I'd be happy to post them in upcoming Dollar Store Bargain posts.
2 comments:
You are F-ING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...yer biggest fan,
~ .25¢
Out west in Arizamexico- which is the appropriate name for where i live, we have the wonders of the 99cent store. Yes- the billboarded sign even comes complete with the cent symbol after the big blue 99. steve and i go i here quite frequently as they offer not only the normal dollar store trinkets but also food. yes real food. a refrigerator section with cheeses, meats, produce (slimey and almost rotten but nonetheless its produce for 99cents) dishes, pottery, shoes oh the wonders. it is the size of a freaking macys and yu can furnish your whole home and pick up dinner at the same time- all for the low low price of 99 cents.
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