shift, change, morph, move

That sort of sums up my life right now...but in a good way overall.

Three years ago at this time, I was, well, I was sort of a mess. There was this negative relationship that ended in February 2005...but for the better. And not so much because the guy was a jerk..I mean, he sort of was...but because we totally weren't right. Totally weren't.

So by this time three years ago, I was trying to figure things out with myself. I hadn't really considered myself for the two years I was with said guy, and then all of a sudden there I was...all up in my face...and it was like I was looking at a complete stranger.

I had a lot of fun back in 2005. I really did. And like I said, I was kind of a mess. But a good mess. I was really fearless. I was exploring new places. I was trying new things. I was shucking away the shell I had created during that bad relationship with...we'll call him DC...with DC.

And it was incredible.

Hell, I was 30 pounds lighter back then too...and I didn't even exercise. How I wish it were that simple now!

So why am I writing about this? This "me" from 3 years ago?

Well, because I sort of miss her. I miss her a lot. She was fun. She wasn't uptight. And she was pleasantly naive.

Even for the next year, after things finally started falling into place, she was still around. And then, it was like she changed. I changed.

I started to fear breaking the rules. I started to care what other people thought. I started to stop trying new things, instead choosing to stick to the familiar. Oh yeah, and I gained back that 30 pounds I'd lost.

But I'm also thinking about that "Three-Years-Ago Me" because I'm once again at a turning point...a metamorphosis stage if you will. I worked really hard to get to where I am and I'm really happy with how it's all played out. Every up and every down. Sounds sappy and sentimental...maybe even a little (a lot) cliche, but it's true.

So now I'm at another one of those points and I'm trying to remember what I was like three years ago when I just let go and let be. When I stopped trying to please everyone else, and tried to live for what was important. I hope I can get to that point again...

...because three years from now I'll be looking back to June 2008 and remembering this time super fondly. I'll probably even want to relive it a little, so I'll pull out my CDs and pick out the ones with the songs that I'm listening to now and play it...hoping to bring back everything I felt now. If I quit smoking by then (which I REALLY hope I will...), I'll probably even crave a cigarette.

And maybe I'll even have gained back 30 pounds that I had lost...or that I really hope I'll lose in the next few months.

It's just sort of a weird time I guess. In good ways and bad ways. But when I look back? The best thing is, I'll really only reminisce about the good.